I do not want to be afraid, not anymore. I have been afraid throughout my whole life. I have been afraid of figures of authority. I have been afraid of the judgement of society. I have been afraid of being insulted, violated, arrested, attacked or even killed. I have been afraid of speaking up my mind. I have been afraid of them.
Everytime I hear the door bell rings, my heart beats fast, so that i think it is going to stop, and i say to myself, "This is the time. They are coming for me. They discovered what i had done."HOwever, everytime i turn out to be wrong.I want this suffering to end. I want to be relieved. I wish that the truth will come out. No! I am afraid of the truth. God! What had made me do it?Where was my brain?How could my tongue obey me and do this devilish thing? How could I?
The issue here is that I know it does not worth this sufferingand all this fear, but i cannot help it. I am afraid. I was just showing off. I did not realize that my whole future would depend on that. What if someone heard what i had said and reported me?What if someone of those peopledid not like me but pretented to be otherwise? What if they were recording me? But why me?! OH! What a silly question! They are recording to every and anybody. They are also afraid. God! I need help I'm getting nuts here.
The irony is that i have spent my whole life afraid. I have never spoken my mind. I have never expressed my thoughts. I was intimidated by authority and believed in theold saying, "better safe than sorry." Whenever anybody was talking against them, I just left and never talked to that somebody again. Again it is "better safe than sorry". However, this time i could not. She was very beautiful, and the way she talked made me wish just to make her pay the smallest attention to me. She was very enthusiastic. I cannot forget the way her eyes looked when she was talking about their unjustice and unfairness. I wanted just one look from her. I aspired one smile of those lips. But she kept ignoring me and looked as if she could not even see me. So, I decided to take part in the conversation. I tried to speak, but my voice came shakey and weak, maybe because i do not speak much. Finally, I managed to say, "I agree with you", in almost a whispering voice. It worked anyway. She looked at me and smiled. YES! She smiled and said, "And why is your voice too low? are you afraid?!" For the first time of life , i was not afraid. I said, "NO. Why should I be afraid? I have never been afraid. Here i am, now and here, declare in the loudest voice that i am not afraid. I am not afraid of them. Fuck th.............." I did not finish my sentence because i felt a solid hand upon my shoulders and watched a shadow coming and covering all the people in front of me, including her, and a voice was saying, as the hand went deeper into my shoulder, that it still hurts my bones till now, "Yes?!You were saying something?" I was afraid once mor. I termbled and said, "NO. I was not saying anything. I was not." The man smiled an oily smile and said, "weird! I thought i heard someone talking about them. Was it you?" Now i was terrified. I could nt think . I was sweating heavily. I was looking for words, but i could not find any. So, I just pointed at her and said, "It was her, not me." She looked at me in disgust and twisted her lips in a manner that filled me with shame, but I could not do anything. I was afraid. i wanted to look to the man in the eye and tell him to get lost and confess that it was I who talked against them and that i would do it again. However, I was too afraid to do anything.
I heard the man telling me, no, ordering me to go home and never look back. I did exactly what he had ordered me to do. I decided to forget about this day and consider this incident as never happened. Then, I heard that she was arrested by them, and i was afraid more than ever. I mean, What if they came to look for me?What if that man had told them? What if.......? And what if........? God! I do not like to be afraid. I am never safe and always sorry. I just want that to end. I do not want to be afraid. I do not want to. I do not want to.
Yesterday, ther was a revolution. She led it. Today is a new day. There is a new them. Well they be different?Will i be afraid of them too? I DO NOT LIKE BEING AFRAID.



Last words:
Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it , we know it.
Johann wolfgang VOn Goethe